First time I made an email, I felt a magic. Like I have an address in the cloud, for everyone sent me a post. Then, when I made a blog, it's more magical. Like everyone can visit my house to see anything inside. A personal blog which is opened publicly, of course, different with a personal diary that everyone keeps it inside his desk slider. That such a blog no more become a domestic space for you to tell stories, but it went public; everyone can see.

When I knew that #fff means white, the magic lets me customize my own house; how it looks and so on. Here, I know that I must keep one of my cloud-house that, how far I had gone, I could come back. Just telling that I had a Plurk account even Friendster that I no longer been there. Why? Because those things are so limited.

For the analogy, HTML is like the material: sand, cement, and bricks, also paint. I have space and I can build anything there. But those things are just static spaces. I just can do specific things. While I can embed all my videos on youtube to my blog, or all of my tweets. Well, just like a house, a blog will always have a tendency about what it's going to be shown. Only if it's open to the public.

That's why different feeling needs different space, I guess. I have a tendency to build this space to be like that and another space to be like that, even to close to the public. If it's not the place everyone can see anything I frame they can see, I call it a dustbin. It's a place to throw shits away from my mind. Maybe you see that this post is such a shit, but it's a shit I let you see.

God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. Yes, then what? Didn't you ever think, while masturbating, that God was not creating Adam and himself, meaning with his hands? The basic pieces of knowledge that I want to emphasize here, and I'm sure that you've already known, that it has a different focus on Having Sex, Reproduction, and Marriage. They are not same, they are different.

People can have sex without having a purpose to do reproduction. Well, there are lots of hetero couples that are having sex consciously avoid the conception, either they use a condom or put the cum outside. I don't know a lot of species in the Animalia kingdom, but I know that homo sapien (us) is a kind of species that have sex not only for reproduction purpose but also for sexual pleasure. Thus, if we always equate sex and reproduction action, and assume that have sex for pleasure only is wrong, then there are lots of something wrong our species do. Not only homosexual acts but also hetero.

If a man does penetration inside a man's anus to get pleasure is wrong, then also in the woman's anus. Why? Well, both cannot produce a baby. Then what are the differences between man's and woman's anus? More, if all kinds of getting sexual pleasure without producing babies are wrong, so do blowjob and handjob. If you think that the way homosexuals getting pleasure is wrong, so do your way when masturbating, doing blowjob and anal sex.

It is simply explained that lesbians and gays are not intended to make a baby, they are just wanted to feel a sexual pleasure. If I get the sexual pleasure by looking at the blue sky, so what?

It is such a traditional thought that believe that marriage is doomed just for heterosexual couples. Gay marriage will not have children. Well, we know that the function of the family is not only for reproduction, but also: social,  economy, affectivity, health care, etc. Furthermore, a gay couple can adopt children to be their son or daughter. Precisely, the things more important than just a reproduction purpose in a family is togetherness and trust. So a couple can fulfill the family dream and reach all of the function of the family.

I don't say that lesbians and gays are right, and I don't say that they're wrong. I just have no problem with them. If you think that homosexual activity is sinfulness, well cheating in the exam also a sinful act.

Continue to the discussion about mental disease. Some study, that I don't know a lot, stated that homosexuality is not a mental disease. But I'm wondering about another sexual orientation, such as ecosexual, that gets pleasure from "having sex" with plants, or skysexual (a new term I made), even pedophile. 

Something that I agree is that there must a consent in every sexual interaction between anything. Sometimes I feel that a 21 years old man who is having sex with 13 years old girl is okay (can we call him a pedophile?) but when I think about the ability of thinking and taking a decision of 13 years old kid, I don't think that it is okay. But back to the statement above to the consent that had been made before. I ever talked to a stranger, he said that he lost his virginity at 14 with a 16 years old girl. Well, I'm done!

Once I heard an imperative voice that said I couldn't be here anymore, waiting while doing nothing. Even though rain was falling heavily outside. Then I moved, ran under the rain. But on my way after I decided, there's always another voice said that I will die at that time. In some cases, I'm stuck.

Another problem is when I wake up, I always regret why did I sleep for 12 hours a day, even I could use the time to keep moving. However, I can't justify that that was not my decision. If all of these things I passed were gambling, now I have lost much. I'm not moved. In the end, I will always trust that today is my last day, I will die now.

When I'm stuck, it's because I'm afraid of being dead, and lost of my control over myself. I'm insecure; from all of the words I write and speak, sometimes I believe that I could be more than those, but afraid.

November 6, my friend asked for a meeting. I said to meet for the next day. After I had finished my morning class, I waited for her in the library lobby. About 11.30 a.m she came. So, what's her intention for the meeting? Well, she's got a letter to deliver, and it's from my grandma. She wanted to give it to me. After I had the letter, I opened it. Here's the message:

Date: Sept 5, 2017
Dear, Adi N.

With respect: Di, I really have to write a letter to you, because I miss you. Di, if you have free times please go home for a while that I won't over-thought. Hopefully, you always do your pray, 5-times-praying, and do study hard. Don't waste your time. Fortunately, all of my sick ills has been healed; hopefully always healthy. I hope you always be well. Allah blesses you. I always pray for you. And If you got a call from me, please answer it even a word. 

I'm sorry, that's all, and thank you.
Mbah Kasno 

N.B: Di, do you still have cash? If you run out of it, please go home. Eat healthy food.

I don't know what's caused my Grandma to write and send me such a letter. She can easily call me, she has a phone. Even sometimes I didn't pick it up is just because I wasn't holding my phone, or I was sleeping. If I'm in the mood, and I think it's necessary to do, I will call her back.

But yeah, if she just calls me, I will not have such a story to write. That day when I opened the letter, my other friend knew it. She told me that a letter has something which could touch your heart deeper. It will express sympathy. Until I got the letter, I haven't gone home since the beginning of this semester. Finally, 17 days after I got the letter, I went home. I met her. She was so pampered.
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